this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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