I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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