I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
