sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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