Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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