I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
