It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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