Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
