"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
