I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
