He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
