i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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