If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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