I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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