you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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