I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
