Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I am spending my child support on dildos
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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