i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
