Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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