yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
