I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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