he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I think I won the penis lottery.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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