I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize