I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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