i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
