I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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