I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We are two peas in an std pod
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
