she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
