someone threw a dead crab at me
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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