Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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