Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
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