That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
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