he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
