I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
A bitchslap is in order.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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