I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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