So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
