The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
