Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
