Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
