how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
