grandma shit on top of the toilet
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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