i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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