she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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