there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize