If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
