Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Your penis caused this!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
