Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
