I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
