so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
