clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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