just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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