I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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