Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
