all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize