I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
