Define "chronic" masturbator.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
