I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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