Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
