Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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