Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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