My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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