were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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