I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Drake has all the answers
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
