I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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