you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
